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Death of The Man

By Rufus on March 3rd, 2010

geneThe man who created the only good BBQ in Seattle has passed on.

Gene Porter of Dixie’s BBQ died of cancer at the age of 71. I had no idea he was that old.

He was famous for “The Man” sauce and taunting people with it by walking around his joint with this pot of pinkish-purple death. He’s ask you if you wanted to meet the man. If you said yes, he’d put this teeny tiny half teaspoon of this death sauce on your BBQ. It was great.

My favorite sandwich there was the 520 — named presumably after the highway the show was near. It was a hot link stuffed in a bun and smothered with pulled pork BBQ. It was a great sandwich, but when Gene came around with that Man sauce and put some on your sandwich, you could kiss your taste buds and any flavor from that 520 goodbye.

I bought a small amount of The Man sauce to take home. It came in a very small cylinder, like something you would expect makeup to be in. The sauce damn near ate through the plastic!

In the pantheon of BBQ, the Man sauce ranks right up there with Arthur Bryant’s Sweet Heat as two of the greatest BBQ inventions ever.

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2011227470_bellevueporter02m.html

Thanks to Tin Chan, or as Gene called him, “Chinatown,” for breaking the bad news to me.

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Kansas – Silent but Deadly

By Rufus on November 21st, 2009

She's such a charmer, oh no.

She's such a charmer, oh no.

From The Hick Arrives

Kansans scare me. It ain’t because they’re such dirt farmers or creepy backwoods hillfolk or anything like that. They’re quiet. Too quiet. Too nice. They’re ready to explode at any minute, and being their border neighbors to the north, we have to defend ourselves against the impending attack from the Sunflower State.

The mascot of their biggest school is a jayhawk. What’s a jayhawk? I have no idea. That’s the thing. We don’t know a lot about Kansas. Once every seven years or so, you actually meet somebody who is “from” Kansas, but they’re quiet, nice and keep to themselves. Scary. The only person of prominence most people could associate with Kansas is former Senator Bob Dole, and he kept talking about himself in that third person. Very eerie.

How can you not watch your back against a state that had once won the honor of most beautiful license plate? How do you not fear a state that’s home of the world’s largest ball of twine? (And what’s scarier is it’s still growing.) What happens when they decide to actually do something with that twine? That’s right: They’re coming after Nebraska. What free-wheeling sort doesn’t keep his eye on a state that once made it illegal to put ice cream on cherry pie? Hey, Rufus ain’t talking euphemisms here, people! This is serious! You could not put ice cream on cherry pie!

Amelia Earhart was from Kansas, and now, where is she? That’s right. WE DON’T KNOW! The guy who invented basketball, James Naismith, was the first basketball coach at the University of Kansas, and as you already know, Nebraska and basketball don’t get along too good.

Naismith was the only basketball coach at the University of Kansas to have a career losing record (55-60). Ain’t it just a coincidence that the feller who invented the game of basketball would actually have a losing record coaching the game he invented? Or, is it just an example of how Kansans refuse to show you their hand, preparing for the big attack against Nebraska one of these days? Naismith, by the way, was even Canadian!

You might have never been to Kansas, you probably couldn’t point to it on a map and this might be the first time you’ve ever read the word “Kansas” in print, but mark my words: They’re lying in the weeds, waiting….

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Double Negative

By Rufus on October 30th, 2009

hicktionary

double negative (n.)

Two bad things that happen to good people

The Hick Arrives No comments yet

Short Stall Wall

By Rufus on October 26th, 2009

2My worst bathroom experience of all time happened at Rufus’s high school, Cow Pie High.

Pimpled Rufus needed to crap real, real bad. Our high school had three sets of bathrooms. One nice (which was locked unless there was a sporting event), one average and one piss room. It was called that because you wouldn’t ever, ever go #2 in that bathroom. Instead of having an enclosed stall for you to do your worst in, like every bathroom in the world, this bathroom had two toilets with no doors.

Not only were there no doors, but a three-foot-tall cinder block wall separated the toilets from each other. A similar wall separated one toilet from the urinal. Essentially, unless you were a small freshman, when you sit down, everyone can see your head as you’re trying to smash.

Not only is there a face to go along with the smell, there’s also that uncomfortable moment where people think they have to talk to each other while they’re going to the bathroom. Easy for the person taking a piss. He’s there for 30 seconds, says his peace and then is gone. The young man taking a dump has to have that conversation maybe 4 or 5 times before the job is done. After that experience, you learn to hold it, even if it means you’re going to get cancer.

From “The Hick Arrives”

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Demon Worship

By Rufus on October 25th, 2009

hicktionary

demon worship (n.)

Rooting for Oklahoma football

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The Great American White Melting Pot

By Rufus on October 20th, 2009

Let's do it!

"Eventually we'll all be one shade of European, anyway, so let's do it, Inga."

From “The Hick Arrives”

My kin were just a few in a long line of immigrants to settle Nebraska: some came because of the Homestead Act, others built the railroad. They stayed because this was their Plymouth Rock. This was truly the American dream—the promise of a fresh start, the idea of ownership. Now the American Dream is having a blog read by at least three people not related to you.

In Nebraska, immigrants set up all sorts of townships that most of their own countrymen gravitated toward. There’s Wilber (Czech), Dannebrog (Danish), Stromsburg, Wausa and Oakland (bitterly fighting for title of Swede Capital of Nebraska), O’Neill (Irish), Loup City (Polish), Ohiowa (Dorks) and more.

Continue reading The Great American White Melting Pot →