Home Ownership Aptitude Test For Men & Women
It ain't much, and it ain't paide for yet.
Owning a house, whether it was handed down to you or picked up on your own, is the biggest factor of what separates the poor from the poorest. It doesn’t even have to be a nice house; it just needs to be your house. After being raised in a house my folks owned, it’s hard for me to feel at home in anything short of my own home. I figure that’s why it’s so easy for me to move from one place to the next like a backwoods Spider-Man, slinging my webs of ditched debt in every city Rufus lives.
There are many advantages to living in an apartment, depending on your lifestyle choices. It’s liberating to know that you can trash every aspect of your crib or let it all fall to shit, and all you have to do to make it better is move, usually under the cover of night. What are they going to do, keep your deposit? Try to collect repairs from you? Good luck. If the anti-establishment lifestyle and a general sense of self-pity are your calling cards, renting in Nebraska might be for you. Take this quick quiz to find out:
Rufus “Junior” Hickman Jr.’s Midwest Home Ownership Aptitude Test for Men
1. Do you like to clean?
Yes (0 points)
No (1 point)
2. Do you mind when your old lady bitches at you to fix things?
Yes (1 point)
No (0 points)
Fuck her! (2 points)
3. When you want to plug it in and get wasted, how many friends do you invite over?
One or two buds (1 point)
Mostly cousins (2 points)
I got no friends (0 points)
4. Does your dog love you?
Yes (0 points)
No (1 point)
What kind of love we talkin’ about? (2 points)
5. What’s your favorite or most-used 4-letter word?
Fuck! (1 point)
Rock! (2 points)
What? (0 points)
6. How big is that coffee can you keep your cash in?
Folgers Instant Coffee Crystals (1 point)
Chock full o’Nuts 2.6 pound (0 points)
I got your can right here (2 points)
7. What style of TV do you own?
Color (0 points)
Black and white (2 points)
Gunshot (1 point)
8. How would you treat a person coming onto your property to read the energy meter?
With a howdy (1 point)
With a sneer (2 points)
By disabling the electric fence (0 points)
9. Johnny Law is my
Friend (2 points)
Enemy (0 points)
Kin (1 point)
10. What is your favorite sport?
Staring (0 points)
Football (2 points)
Fucking Shit Up (1 point)
Results
0-5 points: Holy fucking shit! What are you, an accountant? A banker? The Man’s pawn? Your ass was made for home ownership. You’re set for a lifetime of your chick nagging about things she wants, independent contactors and tire tracks in your lawn. Good luck to you, sucker! Loser.
6-11 points: You strike the natural balance that the good Lord ordained to the male thought process, a process that has gotten us through thousands, possibly tens of thousands, of years. Your philosophy: “I can take it or leave it.” You know that when time comes when you become physically crippled, apartment living isn’t going to be so bad. Might as well live it up right now in the house. Apartment life to you is much better than those studios underground.
12-19 points: To you, a house is not a home until you can fuck it up. You know yourself too well and can see that home ownership clashes with your way of thinking like decision making clashes with a West Coast resident’s lifestyle. There are a lot of houses and apartments out there for rent and a number that don’t require a background check. For those that do, you can forge your application by pretending to be one of your cousins which is why you have their Social Security numbers tattooed to your inner thigh. What? Doesn’t everybody?
20+ points: You’re either a cheater or a liar. You’re OK in my book.
Rufus “Junior” Hickman Jr.’s Midwest Home Ownership Aptitude Test for Women
1. Are you a woman?
Yes (0 points)
No (1 point)
Results
0 points: There’s no doubt in my mind that home ownership is for you. Every queen needs her castle, whether she’s true royalty or just royal at times. Here’s to many years of wanting something better!
1 point: You took the wrong test, dude. Go back to the other test. I mean, it’s up to you if you want to try women’s things. There’s no reason to lie to yourself.
More Midwest Thoughts:
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