Kansas – Silent but Deadly
She's such a charmer, oh no.
Kansans scare me. It ain’t because they’re such dirt farmers or creepy backwoods hillfolk or anything like that. They’re quiet. Too quiet. Too nice. They’re ready to explode at any minute, and being their border neighbors to the north, we have to defend ourselves against the impending attack from the Sunflower State.
The mascot of their biggest school is a jayhawk. What’s a jayhawk? I have no idea. That’s the thing. We don’t know a lot about Kansas. Once every seven years or so, you actually meet somebody who is “from” Kansas, but they’re quiet, nice and keep to themselves. Scary. The only person of prominence most people could associate with Kansas is former Senator Bob Dole, and he kept talking about himself in that third person. Very eerie.
How can you not watch your back against a state that had once won the honor of most beautiful license plate? How do you not fear a state that’s home of the world’s largest ball of twine? (And what’s scarier is it’s still growing.) What happens when they decide to actually do something with that twine? That’s right: They’re coming after Nebraska. What free-wheeling sort doesn’t keep his eye on a state that once made it illegal to put ice cream on cherry pie? Hey, Rufus ain’t talking euphemisms here, people! This is serious! You could not put ice cream on cherry pie!
Amelia Earhart was from Kansas, and now, where is she? That’s right. WE DON’T KNOW! The guy who invented basketball, James Naismith, was the first basketball coach at the University of Kansas, and as you already know, Nebraska and basketball don’t get along too good.
Naismith was the only basketball coach at the University of Kansas to have a career losing record (55-60). Ain’t it just a coincidence that the feller who invented the game of basketball would actually have a losing record coaching the game he invented? Or, is it just an example of how Kansans refuse to show you their hand, preparing for the big attack against Nebraska one of these days? Naismith, by the way, was even Canadian!
You might have never been to Kansas, you probably couldn’t point to it on a map and this might be the first time you’ve ever read the word “Kansas” in print, but mark my words: They’re lying in the weeds, waiting….
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