If I wanted to avoid Zombies, I wouldn’t go to a place called zombie land… It’s the same reason I avoid a place called Lake Titicaca. I’d be frightened I’d never come home. And don’t get me started about a place called Jackson Hole.
I can’t believe Ozzy Osbourne is only 60… If you eat bats, they make you look old, clearly. Bats are the bacon of rock and roll.
“Pencils are the near-beer of pens.”
“If I have a near-bear, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine. And if I’m adjacent to cocaine, I’m in jail.”
“Today is officially the first day of autumn, which is weird because I thought the [...]
“The great thing about picking up homeless people is you can drop them off anywhere.”
“You don’t need to be clever to train a German shepherd. You want a German shepherd to do something for you, you just leave a note on the fridge.”
“Obama should have said, ‘Hey buddy, do I come to your state and knock the wiener out of your governor’s mistress?’”
