“Pencils are the near-beer of pens.”
“If I have a near-bear, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine. And if I’m adjacent to cocaine, I’m in jail.”
“Today is officially the first day of autumn, which is weird because I thought the [...]
“The great thing about picking up homeless people is you can drop them off anywhere.”
“You don’t need to be clever to train a German shepherd. You want a German shepherd to do something for you, you just leave a note on the fridge.”
“Obama should have said, ‘Hey buddy, do I come to your state and knock the wiener out of your governor’s mistress?’”
“I can understand why women find somebody like John Edwards attractive. You know, he’s got great hair, he’s handsome in a sort of bisexual flight attendant sort of way.”
People say they like Rock Band because it makes playing the drums easy. I used to earn my living playing the drums. Playing the drums is in real life pretty easy. I could play the drums when I was drunk. Technically, that makes it easier than talking.
